Graduation, prom, banquets, trips. Our teenagers are lamenting so many lost milestones. My daughter, a high school senior, recently summed up her thoughts about graduating amid a pandemic: “It feels like the light at the end of the tunnel was just snuffed out.”
As a parent, it is a daily struggle not to get swept up in the sadness of the losses forced by COVID-19. As a school psychologist, I am trying my best to heed what I know about coping and promoting resilience. Life is supposed to present us with bumps — bumps can help us grow if the right supports are available to brace for them. But the intensity of the current global situation means that we need to identify and draw on positive coping resources more purposefully.
For our family, coping has included getting outside, rewatching our favorite TV series together and dreaming about what we recently coined the “gromwell” — a combined graduation, prom and college farewell party — to celebrate those iconic senior-year milestones, even if bundled into some sort of discount package.
With three teenagers in our house, reactions to the disappointments vary depending on the day or even the moment. Each one is experiencing different losses — from the closing of campus to missed activities to peer connections. I want each teen to emerge with positive coping and resilience to serve them well in the future.
Here’s what we’ve done:
We admit that uncertainty stinks. It also creates anxiety and fear of the unknown. But everyone is having these feelings, and that’s totally expected given the situation. So yes, let all of the feelings loose — crying, screaming and laughing — sometimes even all at the same time. But watch if those thoughts, feelings and behaviors signal that coping is not working. In our house, no one gets to lie in bed all day, feeling like life has no purpose. We try really hard to create and stick to the “new normal” routine — like getting up at the same time and following a daily schedule. We put it all out there to acknowledge and validate the disappointment.
We bait and switch. This is our “gromwell” — that is, we draw attention away from the disappointments and anxious feelings by imagining or planning something. The losses have mounted, from those high school senior year events to the canceled summer trip to Europe. We adapt our dream planning, like postponing that overseas trip to next year, but adding activities to do and see and maybe even turning it into a Chevy Chase-like adventure in National Lampoon’s “European Vacation.”
We force connections. This one has been the toughest, and why I purposefully use the word force over reinforce. When I ask if my teens are connecting with their friends, the common response is a lackluster “yeah” — and when I press on, the typical explanation has been that there is not much to talk. Yet I persist, because I know social connectedness is critical. I offer suggestions about virtual activities to do with friends, like live classes or group gatherings via videoconferencing. I expect the eye rolls, but secretly get excited when I see one of my ideas put into play.
We try something on the “to do” list. My teens have a lot more unscheduled time, so I’ve suggested they take up something new. I didn’t intend to promote late-night new hair coloring followed by buyer’s remorse, but at least there were associated laughs. My teens have taken advantage of trying new things, such as “Nailed It!” baking challenges (not so successful), jewelry making (sort of successful) and coding skills (fairly successful for at least one teen).
We offer help to someone other than ourselves. Volunteering has long been known to benefit personal mental health, so we are doing our best to help in ways that follow social distancing guidelines. Checking in with others, sharing our new creations even if the end results are not as pictured (see try something new above), or dressing up to give wedding congratulations from our living room, are some of our examples.
None of this has been easy. But I keep pursuing these strategies because I know the critical importance of supporting our teenagers as they adjust to unexpected bumps in the road to mental health and well-being. It’s important that we keep each other in check to maintain positive emotions, offering assistance as each one of us falters — and most importantly, providing reminders to give ourselves and those around us a break as we cope with the bumps, twists, and turns to this COVID-19 roller coaster.
Dr. Sandra M. Chafouleas is a parent to three teenagers, a licensed psychologist and a distinguished professor with expertise in school psychology and school mental health at the University of Connecticut’s Neag School of Education.
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